As I sit here…I think and feel anger, frustration, and doubt. They journey through my body as I try to relax. The raw emotions that overcome so many of us as individuals.
Do we ever just let them overcome us and move through the emotions? I can feel myself unraveling as the tears run down my face and the emotions envelop me.
I wonder. Is it just me? This morning was hard. Not just your typical hard morning, I find myself struggling where I never used to struggle.
Every day I try.
I try to be the best wife, friend, mother, sister, daughter, business owner, and self. Do I accomplish it? I have yet to know, but what I do know is that it’s a constant battle of who do I neglect more. My house is a mess, my body is a mess. This ever persistent rash that mysteriously isn’t linked to any allergy…any anything for that matter.
I cry harder as I let the waves of emotion take hold. Doubts fill my mind. Should we really have started this business? Am I a good enough parent?
Am I just….. good enough?
Raising two little people is hard. Mix that in with working almost full time during the day, maintaining my home, maintaining my sanity. I by no means am addicted to drugs or an alcoholic but the temptation to grab that bottle of wine and down it…. is high. Mute the pain my heart says.
The lite buzz it would give. Parts of me think I’m a better parent, a better person when I’m back to my bubbly self. I find that I’ve lost that part of me over the years. The goofy..playful..self. I’m afraid. Afraid to be raw. Afraid to be. REAL.
Why should I? I have little faith in humanity.
The pain and suffering that we push onto one another. Antisemitism was shoved in my face by someone in one of the many facebook groups that I am apart of. Though not directed directly towards me, the sting is still there. I am a person, with thoughts, dreams, emotions. Why hate me for something that I believe in? Without even knowing me.
I screamed at my daughter this morning. It was the billionth time asking her to put on her shoes. My patience is ever thin. By 8:15 my morning consisted of no listening, a sick clingy baby, and a client withdrawing their need for our services.
Why can’t she just listen!?
I’ve always felt I was a great nanny and now with my own daughter, I can’t seem to figure it out. She pushes me more than I could have ever imagined.
I know that this is one of many bad days. Anything worth it is going to be hard and full of tribulations. I know I am not alone and like many other women, we struggle to find ourselves. To be the best.
On this journey to do it all.
Some tips on how to work from home with kids: See 4 helpful tips for work at home moms
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